Barslaves Do’s and Dont’s
Many people would like to know just exactly, what a “Barslave” is. The following are examples of what a Barslave is NOT supposed to be:
1. If you are at a bar drinking and piss yourself and continue to drink and try to pick up a person of the opposite sex while pissing yourself.
2. While at that bar, you have your dog with you, who has asthma no less, and continually hacks while you are there.
3. If you say “Hey sexy Bald man; me and you’s bout to go to MY house!”, and he tells you that he is gay to get out of it.
4. If you end up taking a cab home, can’t find your keys, and pass out buck naked from the waist down on your front porch while waiting for someone to come home from work and open the door.
5. If three weeks later, you still haven’t found your keys which includes your ADT key fob, car and house keys, and numerous other irreplaceable keys.
6. If your friend with benefits stops having sex with you because of this event.
7. If your friend with benefits has to arrange for your car to be towed home because you lost the damn keys.
8. If EVERYONE at the bar remembers you and your asthmatic dog and you pissing yourself three weeks after the event, and you are still the talk of the bar.
9. If you read this post, realize I am talking about you even though your name isn’t mentioned here, and get pissed.
10. If after all these events have taken place and you’ve read this post and still continue to drink vodka by the bottle. You are disqualified to consider yourself a “Barslave” in our circle.
Now, I’m still not done. There are some things that are okay in different circumstances. See the list below.
1. Passing out naked in your bathroom and your friends taking pictures of you, by suggestion of your parents. (hey, at least you were at home, and your parents have seen you naked before anyway)
2. Passing out naked on your sidewalk, front steps, front yard, and being covered up by fellow partygoers is okay as long as you provided all the booze, and your friends bring you in the house at some point and don’t leave you there until the sun comes up. Pictures will be taken, that’s a given.
3. Passing out on your front porch fully clothed and your friends build a fort out of boxes around you while you sleep, and cover you with a piece of brown packing paper for a blanket. (See image below)
4. Passing out naked or clothed with a person of the opposite sex and not remembering if you slept with them or not. (If they are attractive, you will have sex with them when you wake up sober anyway and it will be like the first time whether it was or not.)
5. Hitting on someone of the opposite sex is okay as long as you haven’t pissed your pants already.
6. If you do piss your pants, be coherent enough to change them.
7. If you pass out and wet the bed, please do so only if you are alone in the bed. Wet beds make for terrible morning after sex with that special someone next to you, especially if they are lying in a puddle. The goal is to make her wet, not wet her.
8. If you puke from drinking, please do so with dignity. Do not puke on other partygoers, expensive imported rugs, or high end furniture. If this happens, please call the party host the next day and offer reparations or clean up assistance.
9. If you must pass out in a bathroom, make sure it is one that is not frequently used by other partygoers. Some people need to “break the seal” to get the full alcohol effect.
10. If you feel the immediate need to fornicate in the bathroom with someone, and you know DAMN WELL YOU ARE NOT A MINUTE MAN, PLEASE EXIT THE PARTY AND GET A ROOM. Or if you like, have sex in the garage. The convertible needs christening.
Disclaimer: This list is subject to change with or without notice, anytime Mr. Diplomacy sees fit. If you have questions regarding this list of “Barslaves Do’s and Don’ts” please feel free to email Mr. Diplomacy with questions, comments, complaints or concerns. Otherwise, drink freely, party harty, and fuck safely.
Bartender, pass the whiskey!
The Bar Slaves 
Well, I knew the picture was going to come out sometime, so it might as well be now.
You ass.
Wear a raincoat… tie a knot in it… and party.
Good motto to live by.
You also forgot to highlight that all of those boxes are from shit that I ordered off of the internet while in Nigeria. Also that you guys built it and called it a “castle to defend me from the creatures of the night”.
-Mr. Diplomacy, you are an ass.
Awesome.
it was only a castle b/c that is more fun than a fort….the creatures were not considered in the least…..i just wish i could have seen the look of confusion on your face when you woke up and/or toppled the castle
and whats the fun of pictures if they cannot be broadcast on the web old iron? you know, given the option, you would do the same
good post mr. diplomacy….good way to start a friday morning 😀
Thank you very much Y! I’m glad you enjoyed this one. I knew I’d catch a lot of crap from Old Iron on this one, which is exactly why I did it. And the look on Old Iron’s face was priceless when he awoke from his nap due to Nostradomus Beer and Absynth indulgence! I wish everyone could have seen that look when he woke up. Scary thing is, he had absolutely no hangover, and was up before everyone else making breakfast. Of course, that’s what happens when you pass out at 9:30PM on your porch and everyone else is still drinking until the next morning.
Old Iron, I love you man!
Oh, I’d also like to point out that every single thing on this list has been accomplished and personally witnessed by me, thus the reason for this post. Being a Barslave is about having a great time, but doing it safely and responsibly. Taking a cab home is wise. I’d never advise anyone to drive drunk, unless you’re as good at is as Falteredheaven and I are. But if you piss your pants at the bar, do take a cab. Better to ruin the cabby’s seats than your own.
Hahaha….
This is way better than that redneck shit. You should go on tour!
Oh yeah, and can I still be a barslave if:
I go to sleep clothed in my bedroom and wake up naked in my kitchen with no recollection of the events facilitating the change in location?
Yes. You definately get a pass for that because you are at your house. If you woke up in someone else’s kitchen, that would be a tricky one! Good question Moron Pundit!
Well, I did puke in a friend’s kitchen one time because another friend bet me $20 I couldn’t shot gun a beer AND eat 30 cocktail weenies in under 90 seconds.
Best $20 I ever won in a bar bet.
^I meant “party bet”. Sorry for the confusion. Now, if I get a chance to even get a Martini while out, I am living large.