A conversation with Fred Phelps

•May 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment


We need to talk.

You have been a busy little boy these past few years, and we need to talk about your latest little stunt that you are planning.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get a huge kick out of your methods of spreading my Word to the masses, and that gay thing? -Brilliant. Give ’em what for I say.

But we gotta have a little chat about THIS plan of yours. I know I know, we usually don’t talk about your PR stunts and I pretty much let you do what you need to win over more converts for me, but protesting Ronnie James Dio’s funeral? I really think that you might be getting a little overzealous concerning this one. I have protected you before by dissuading people that didn’t understand your message from torturing you in a dark room with live starving rats, but I don’t think that I can do that much for you this time.

You see, Dio and I go WAAAAY back. The man has done more for me in his 67 years of life than you could do in three life times, and has spread my message far and wide, not to mention the fact that he really does make some catchy tunes.

Freddy baby, take a pass on this one.

If you don’t you may be seeing me a little sooner than I had expected and I won’t have time to prepare for your arrival. I have something REALLY special in mind for you to thank you for all of the hard work you have done for me, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on it because you were in such a hurry to see me, would you?

-Glad we had this talk.

Toodles Freddy! Miss you baby!

Your mate,

Old Scratch

Sorry Guys…

•November 11, 2009 • 1 Comment

You are in the wrong place. Here is where I have been hanging out lately:


-Head over there if you are looking for me.

This might be the last update to this epic masterpiece of degradation and horror, so to those that were along for the ride with me in the past… Cheers.

Back to the Normal Insanity

•August 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Friends, I do apologize for the LENGTHY amount of time that has passed since the last time I did anything with this brilliant mode of expression, but I have decided to drop back in and test drive this process again to see if I can potentially recapture the truth that was behind me doing this in the fist place –

-The fact that I can be a pretty funny motherfucker and I look GREAT in a Carrot Top wig.

Well, also do to the fact that I really don’t have that many options, being in Nigeria, to voice my various opinions on such lovely things as tribal female circumcision, hookers, and the occasional “protest” that we get out here.

So here’s the deal: I will make no promises, but I will definitely be dropping in here from time to time to douse this place with some of the swirling shit that is polluting my head and generally put it in an entertaining manner so that it is palatable to the masses, at least on SOME level.

Cheers mates.

New Helmet Laws Pass in Nigeria

•January 27, 2009 • 3 Comments

Safety First I always say.

(As seen in Lagos, Nigeria)


“Thank you Arab world for getting me elected”

•January 27, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Awesome. This guy is insisting on doing literally EVERYTHING wrong.


President Obama Does First Formal TV Interview as President with Al-Arabiya

January 26, 2009 6:29 PM

As special envoy to the Middle East, George Mitchell heads off to the region to begin work on negotiating a cease fire between Israel and the Palestinians, President Obama has sat for his first formal TV interview with the Arabic cable TV network Al-Arabiya, ABC News has learned.

The interview was taped this evening and is set to air at 11 pm ET, as Mitchell is in the air and on his way to the region.

Based in Dubai, Al-Arabiya estimates that it has a potential audience exceeding 23 million in the Gulf region.

— jpt

A Facebook Nigerian scam? More likely than a bonzai tree in your anus

•January 26, 2009 • 3 Comments

Calvin: hey

Evan: holy moly. what’s up man?

Calvin: i need your help urgently

Evan: yes sir

Calvin: am stuck here in london

Evan: stuck?

Calvin: yes i came here for a vacation
Calvin: on my process coming back home i was robbed inside the hotel i loged in

Evan: ok so what do you need

Calvin: can you loan me $900 to get a return ticket back home and pay my hotel bills

Evan: i think so. that really sucks

Calvin: can you loam me now

Evan: well maybe i don’t know that’s a lot of $

Calvin: how can you loan me?

Evan: what do you want me to do

Calvin: i want you to loan me $900
Calvin: i promise i pay you back

Evan: how do you want me to loan it to you?

Calvin: you can have the money send via western union

Evan: oh yeah that’s true

Calvin: will you go and send it now

Evan: well i don’t know

Calvin: you can have it send online now http://www.westernunion.com

Evan: damn how did you get stuck there

Calvin: i came here for a vacation and i was robbed by some gang

Evan: ok well i want to help you, since we’re friends

Calvin: ok. Thanks

Evan: sure thing man
Evan: ok one question

Calvin: are you sending it now?

Evan: what was the name of our high school mascot?
Evan: hello?
Evan: cal?

Calvin: Shawnee Mission Northwest High ’01

Evan: what? i know

Calvin: it seems you dont to help

Evan: what of course i do want to help

Calvin: am in a hot sits here and you asking me silly question

Evan: what is hot sits

Calvin: am dead here

Evan: i hope you die there
good luck finding someone stupid
bye now

(a few minutes later)

Evan: oh wait. i just realized what an idiot you are and its actually kind of funny

Calvin: are you not dead

Evan: who taught you english?

Calvin: my sister#

Evan: your english is bad
it does not sound like the english of someone from the us
so no one will believe you

Calvin: how can you teach me

Evan: ok i will. but you have to send me $900.

Calvin: they dont send western union here
we only receive

Evan: what country are you in?

Calvin: nigeria

Evan: i have bad news for you
many americans know about nigerians sending emails to this country to try to get money

Calvin: yes

Evan: it is a trick that we know about so we are very careful

Calvin: eeeeeeeeeeeeh

Evan: you will not find a stupid person to send you money

Calvin: i have got some

Evan: well good job
Evan: do you live in lagos or in another city?

Calvin: Lagos
how did you got to know

Evan: i am a student of the world
i would like to travel to lagos

Calvin: lagos is a place to be
to visit
so full of enjoyment
so when are you coming

Evan: why do you steal money from people?

Calvin: i need money for my college fees
but i wanna stop
i promise i will stop
but you people slave us
during the 60s

Evan: we did not have slaves in the 60s

Calvin: but you about the slave trade

Evan: yes that is true
but slaves have been illegal here for almost 150 years

Calvin: i can see that you ae a law student
why can’t you become a lawyer

Evan: i will be a lawyer in 2 years when i finish school

Calvin: ok

Evan: how old are you?

Calvin: 27
i need work
i eed a god job

Evan: there are many nigerians in america
do you know anyone who has gone to another country?

Calvin: i know there many nigerian that is in america
i want to come to america
to complte my education

Evan: maybe i will visit someday
i hope you don’t steal any more money
good luck finding a job

Calvin: sure…. you will love it

Evan: what is your name?

Calvin: tunde

Evan: i must go tunde
be well my friend

Calvin: cant we be friend
can you add me on your facebook friends

Evan: i am sorry, but due to the odd circumstances of our initial greeting, i must terminate this relationship. i hope you understand.

Calvin: am sorry for that evan

Evan: as am i, tunde
as am i

Well in America they only hide under Piggy Wiggy signs

•January 24, 2009 • 1 Comment

You gotta love Africans. They are so ingenious that they will come up with some pretty amazing ways to hide from the police! What will they think of next?


Police parade goat as robbery suspect


Written by Demola Akinyemi   

Friday, 23 January 2009

*For attempting to ‘steal’ a Mazda car  

It was a shocking sight yesterday as men of the Kwara State Police Command paraded a goat as an armed robbery suspect.

The goat “robbery suspect”

The goat “suspect” is being detained over an alleged attempt to snatch a Mazda car. The mysterious goat, according to the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed, while briefing bewildered journalists at the Force headquarters, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the said car, Wednesday night, and later transformed into the goat in a bid to escape arrest.


He explained that men of a vigilance group in Anifowose Ipata/Oloje areas of the state capital had chased two armed robbery suspects who wanted to demobilise the Mazda car with the intention of stealing it, and

“while one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is.’’ Mohammed said.

The police spokesman said the goat “armed robbery suspect” will not be left off the hook until investigations into the case are concluded.

He also said that no fewer than five stolen vehicles have been recovered by the state Police Command while some suspects were also arrested. Among those arrested, he said was one Idowu Oni of Araromi area of Akure who escaped from Akure Prison.