A conversation with Fred Phelps

•May 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment


We need to talk.

You have been a busy little boy these past few years, and we need to talk about your latest little stunt that you are planning.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get a huge kick out of your methods of spreading my Word to the masses, and that gay thing? -Brilliant. Give ’em what for I say.

But we gotta have a little chat about THIS plan of yours. I know I know, we usually don’t talk about your PR stunts and I pretty much let you do what you need to win over more converts for me, but protesting Ronnie James Dio’s funeral? I really think that you might be getting a little overzealous concerning this one. I have protected you before by dissuading people that didn’t understand your message from torturing you in a dark room with live starving rats, but I don’t think that I can do that much for you this time.

You see, Dio and I go WAAAAY back. The man has done more for me in his 67 years of life than you could do in three life times, and has spread my message far and wide, not to mention the fact that he really does make some catchy tunes.

Freddy baby, take a pass on this one.

If you don’t you may be seeing me a little sooner than I had expected and I won’t have time to prepare for your arrival. I have something REALLY special in mind for you to thank you for all of the hard work you have done for me, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on it because you were in such a hurry to see me, would you?

-Glad we had this talk.

Toodles Freddy! Miss you baby!

Your mate,

Old Scratch

Sorry Guys…

•November 11, 2009 • 1 Comment

You are in the wrong place. Here is where I have been hanging out lately:


-Head over there if you are looking for me.

This might be the last update to this epic masterpiece of degradation and horror, so to those that were along for the ride with me in the past… Cheers.

Back to the Normal Insanity

•August 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Friends, I do apologize for the LENGTHY amount of time that has passed since the last time I did anything with this brilliant mode of expression, but I have decided to drop back in and test drive this process again to see if I can potentially recapture the truth that was behind me doing this in the fist place –

-The fact that I can be a pretty funny motherfucker and I look GREAT in a Carrot Top wig.

Well, also do to the fact that I really don’t have that many options, being in Nigeria, to voice my various opinions on such lovely things as tribal female circumcision, hookers, and the occasional “protest” that we get out here.

So here’s the deal: I will make no promises, but I will definitely be dropping in here from time to time to douse this place with some of the swirling shit that is polluting my head and generally put it in an entertaining manner so that it is palatable to the masses, at least on SOME level.

Cheers mates.

New Helmet Laws Pass in Nigeria

•January 27, 2009 • 3 Comments

Safety First I always say.

(As seen in Lagos, Nigeria)


“Thank you Arab world for getting me elected”

•January 27, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Awesome. This guy is insisting on doing literally EVERYTHING wrong.


President Obama Does First Formal TV Interview as President with Al-Arabiya

January 26, 2009 6:29 PM

As special envoy to the Middle East, George Mitchell heads off to the region to begin work on negotiating a cease fire between Israel and the Palestinians, President Obama has sat for his first formal TV interview with the Arabic cable TV network Al-Arabiya, ABC News has learned.

The interview was taped this evening and is set to air at 11 pm ET, as Mitchell is in the air and on his way to the region.

Based in Dubai, Al-Arabiya estimates that it has a potential audience exceeding 23 million in the Gulf region.

— jpt

A Facebook Nigerian scam? More likely than a bonzai tree in your anus

•January 26, 2009 • 3 Comments

Calvin: hey

Evan: holy moly. what’s up man?

Calvin: i need your help urgently

Evan: yes sir

Calvin: am stuck here in london

Evan: stuck?

Calvin: yes i came here for a vacation
Calvin: on my process coming back home i was robbed inside the hotel i loged in

Evan: ok so what do you need

Calvin: can you loan me $900 to get a return ticket back home and pay my hotel bills

Evan: i think so. that really sucks

Calvin: can you loam me now

Evan: well maybe i don’t know that’s a lot of $

Calvin: how can you loan me?

Evan: what do you want me to do

Calvin: i want you to loan me $900
Calvin: i promise i pay you back

Evan: how do you want me to loan it to you?

Calvin: you can have the money send via western union

Evan: oh yeah that’s true

Calvin: will you go and send it now

Evan: well i don’t know

Calvin: you can have it send online now http://www.westernunion.com

Evan: damn how did you get stuck there

Calvin: i came here for a vacation and i was robbed by some gang

Evan: ok well i want to help you, since we’re friends

Calvin: ok. Thanks

Evan: sure thing man
Evan: ok one question

Calvin: are you sending it now?

Evan: what was the name of our high school mascot?
Evan: hello?
Evan: cal?

Calvin: Shawnee Mission Northwest High ’01

Evan: what? i know

Calvin: it seems you dont to help

Evan: what of course i do want to help

Calvin: am in a hot sits here and you asking me silly question

Evan: what is hot sits

Calvin: am dead here

Evan: i hope you die there
good luck finding someone stupid
bye now

(a few minutes later)

Evan: oh wait. i just realized what an idiot you are and its actually kind of funny

Calvin: are you not dead

Evan: who taught you english?

Calvin: my sister#

Evan: your english is bad
it does not sound like the english of someone from the us
so no one will believe you

Calvin: how can you teach me

Evan: ok i will. but you have to send me $900.

Calvin: they dont send western union here
we only receive

Evan: what country are you in?

Calvin: nigeria

Evan: i have bad news for you
many americans know about nigerians sending emails to this country to try to get money

Calvin: yes

Evan: it is a trick that we know about so we are very careful

Calvin: eeeeeeeeeeeeh

Evan: you will not find a stupid person to send you money

Calvin: i have got some

Evan: well good job
Evan: do you live in lagos or in another city?

Calvin: Lagos
how did you got to know

Evan: i am a student of the world
i would like to travel to lagos

Calvin: lagos is a place to be
to visit
so full of enjoyment
so when are you coming

Evan: why do you steal money from people?

Calvin: i need money for my college fees
but i wanna stop
i promise i will stop
but you people slave us
during the 60s

Evan: we did not have slaves in the 60s

Calvin: but you about the slave trade

Evan: yes that is true
but slaves have been illegal here for almost 150 years

Calvin: i can see that you ae a law student
why can’t you become a lawyer

Evan: i will be a lawyer in 2 years when i finish school

Calvin: ok

Evan: how old are you?

Calvin: 27
i need work
i eed a god job

Evan: there are many nigerians in america
do you know anyone who has gone to another country?

Calvin: i know there many nigerian that is in america
i want to come to america
to complte my education

Evan: maybe i will visit someday
i hope you don’t steal any more money
good luck finding a job

Calvin: sure…. you will love it

Evan: what is your name?

Calvin: tunde

Evan: i must go tunde
be well my friend

Calvin: cant we be friend
can you add me on your facebook friends

Evan: i am sorry, but due to the odd circumstances of our initial greeting, i must terminate this relationship. i hope you understand.

Calvin: am sorry for that evan

Evan: as am i, tunde
as am i

Well in America they only hide under Piggy Wiggy signs

•January 24, 2009 • 1 Comment

You gotta love Africans. They are so ingenious that they will come up with some pretty amazing ways to hide from the police! What will they think of next?


Police parade goat as robbery suspect


Written by Demola Akinyemi   

Friday, 23 January 2009

*For attempting to ‘steal’ a Mazda car  

It was a shocking sight yesterday as men of the Kwara State Police Command paraded a goat as an armed robbery suspect.

The goat “robbery suspect”

The goat “suspect” is being detained over an alleged attempt to snatch a Mazda car. The mysterious goat, according to the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed, while briefing bewildered journalists at the Force headquarters, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the said car, Wednesday night, and later transformed into the goat in a bid to escape arrest.


He explained that men of a vigilance group in Anifowose Ipata/Oloje areas of the state capital had chased two armed robbery suspects who wanted to demobilise the Mazda car with the intention of stealing it, and

“while one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is.’’ Mohammed said.

The police spokesman said the goat “armed robbery suspect” will not be left off the hook until investigations into the case are concluded.

He also said that no fewer than five stolen vehicles have been recovered by the state Police Command while some suspects were also arrested. Among those arrested, he said was one Idowu Oni of Araromi area of Akure who escaped from Akure Prison.  

So True, So True (Fun in Africa)

•January 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

africa crime


•January 21, 2009 • 1 Comment



On a personal note: I could get used to this shit.


Michelle Obama is a Klingon and Barak is STONED episode 1: The Inauguration

•January 21, 2009 • 3 Comments


Obama Inauguration

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: I, Barack (Bleep) Obama do —


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: — do solemnly swear.

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I Barack Hussein Obama do solemnly swear…. Uh…. That my wife is a Klingon? You know, a  “Wrath of Kahn” -era one? I mean look at her face dude! I bet she eats babies! That, and in the house every time that she rounds a courner I want to scream out “KAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!” like William Shatner did, but all I can do is squeak like a little mouse that just got raped by a lion. Oh shit, got a little distracted there bud. Where were we?

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: -AHEM- (Carrying on) …That I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully.

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: That I will execute… ALL YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS OUT THERE!!! Heh heh just kidding. Hey you white people, you know I was just kidding, right?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Honey, time to gain some focus; we need you to swear in now. I know you don’t have a teleprompter, but we can work through this…. hey, is that a baby? A delicious, succulent BABY in the audience?!?!?!

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Shit, someone tranquilize her again. What, did you idiots get the sedative doseage wrong again? What? You say she is resisting the usual doseage now? There was enough herion and crushed up roofies to sedate fucking New York!!!

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: …Faithfully the office of president of the United States.

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Oh shit, sorry! -Got it. Uh… The office of president of the United States faithfully.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: And will to the best of my ability…

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: And will to the best of my ability… (winks to Chelsea Clinton) to tap that ass. That is it. I will, and oh yes I WILL, tap that Clintonean ass ass.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: …Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.



MICHELLE OBAMA (Struggling through the heavy doses of sedative that had just been administered via pneumatic gun): So help me… TO A TASTY DINNER OF MADE OF YOUR CHILDS FLESH!!! I WILL WEAR THEIR SMALL HEADS AS HATS AND DANCE IN THEIR ENTRAILS!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAR……….. <thump>

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: So help me God…. ‘Bout time those fucking tranquilizers kicked in. MAN is she a crazy bitch or what?



*(Stolen whole-heartedly and adapted for my use from El Rushbo, may he forgive the transgression.>



•January 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Ye Gods this is funny.




“Obama has finally taken office! RUN FOR THE HILLS, THE END IS NIGH!!!”


“Penis!” -Wait, how did that get in there?

I really think that I am going to have to take the Rush Limbaugh stance on this one and laugh my ass off at the next four years. I mean come on, you can’t let it depress you! A new theory has come out of all of this though; after I was discussing “Black Tuesday” with a friend of mine I eventually came to the conclusion that the United States has to occasionally remind itself why having a complete flaming wad of shit rags in office is a BAD THING. Is it because we get lulled into complacency with a president that actually attempts to give the common man something back in the form of tax breaks? Are we so sure of our miiltary might after fighting a war in modern times and actually whooping the shit out of our assigned enemies that we feel invincible to the assumed lack of might of the outside world? Do we just end up hating ourselves out of guilt because we are just so fucking GOOD at what we do?

-Do we really TRULY want to be French?

I dunno, but this would explain why we have the current dude that was elected by the masses (and is someone starts that 48/52 bullshit with me… well, I won’t be able to actually DO anything but I might be slightly miffed) and I expect that as he has a nice full plate to deal with as well as some pretty exciting promises made on the campaign trail that he can break to deal with in the upcoming term as the head hancho.

I am all up in the humor on this one.

Fo shizzle yo.

This is interesting

•November 6, 2008 • 1 Comment

Not to point out the obvious, but the profession that I am currently a part of is populated by large with persons that are of a more mature vein, with the average age being in the mid fifties. Due to the type of work that is done out here and the fact that it has not been a popular field of employment for some time (it involves… GASP! MANUAL LABOR!!!) the ages run a little higher.

This in turn makes them a wealth of knowledge on the past, to include the political arena.

At dinner this evening (don’t ask about a local delicacy called “bush meat”. You don’t want to know) the guys started out with continuing their annoyance with the prior election, but then drifted over into the last election that the saw that closely mirrored this one, and the name “Carter” came up. Choice nuggets of truth were being thrown around, like “what is the last number on your license plate”, “hope Iran doesn’t see this as an excuse to spark up and hold American hostages for another 444 days”, as well as “we need to get all of our Marines out of the Mid East now lest we have another Beirut”.

Funny, but they were all actually being serious.

They were all also serious in telling me that they were initially democrats back in those days, but after Carter became staunch Republicans and voted down the party line for the rest of their lives.

While listening to these guys all I could think about was a really amazing quote that myself, being the most un-read person on the planet, remember.

“Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.”

You think we would have, in this age of information saturation, have been able to not been blinded by this repackaging of old ideals that ran this country into the ground before. Why do we have to repeat this cycle? Is the United States inflicting pain on itself so that it can remember what it is like to hurt?

Is the U.S. political system, along with the voting public, turning EMO?

-Or is it some sadistic need to see the system that was founded on such struggle and loss, such massive effort to make it good for the future of this country… is it just the inherent need to lose all respect for the process that brought us to this point and watch it all go up in flames?

Only time will tell. Here’s to you Mr. President.

The Idea of “Right at all Costs”

•November 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I have a little story to tell with some potential commentary to follow.

There was a conversation that I had earlier  about this ast election. It basically involved me talking to someone that supported Obama and his recent election by the American populous, and myself pointing out it’s potential direct effects to the other’s source of income and how supporting that guy would put them out of a job as they are involved directly in the defense industry as a contractor. This was done by identifying the comments made during the Obama campaign calling for a drastic cut in defense spending. From experience in that environment, and from speaking from an economically sensible position, the easiest place to cut said spending would be in a sector that has the dollar value broken into blocks that are issued out in yearly increments with a yearly obligation attached to the money as well, because the easiest thing you would have to do to swell the coffers in this instance would be to not renew the contracts and let the services that are provided just drift off, with the persons attached to the process not being absorbed, but let go.

Makes sense, right?

The other person took some time to digest this thinking, but eventually came around and confirmed that they believed I was right. I then asked how many in that company supported the newly-elected president, and the response was staggering.

I was told that everyone in that office did.

I told her to take the information that I had provided to her and show it to a co-worker.

The response? The co-worker gave her a dumbfounded look and continued with their celebration.

I was dumbfounded. -How could this be? How could someone, some group, support another that quite often stated that not only did they did not support them in turn, but had also used as a platform proposed legislation that could potentially eliminate their very livelihood? Was this some twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome where the victim not only identifies with the attacker, but also justifies the actions that could cause them to live a much more difficult life than before? Where these people some sort of socio-masochists?

Nope. From what it sounds like just highlights another example of a person choosing a path prior to knowing where it will lead; and, even after seeing that said goal will lead to their downfall will refuse to see the risks associated but will ignore all to maintain that the goal at the end will lead to some sort of salvation…. even if the goal is NOTHING like the one promised.

Even if the goal is hardship and pain.

I know, this sounds a little disjointed, but I will flesh this out a little more on a later date.

Oh, and it is good to be back.

My Lovely lost Muse

•November 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I think I have found you again.

I need some time to figure out the direction that I plan on going in, but I have a couple of ideas. Not to say that I am going to go back to the two-three posts daily like I did before, but I think that I have finally finished with the teeth-cutting as well as a HUGE does of writer’s block / I could care less syndrome.

Live and learn, live and learn.

I do have something to tell all of you people that voted for Obama though. If there is not aide provided to the peoples of Africa in a very short period of time and in substantial amounts with no strings attached to it then my life here will get a bit more complicated in the next four to six months.

You think people in Kenya are sacrificing animals and declairing national holidays if they do not think that there is something personally gained from this activity? You think that local Nigerian miitants are going to lay down their arms in “solidarity” just for the joy of knowing that a slightly black person has been elected without holding out the same hand that held an automatic weapon for one of these gifts that are supposedly inherent to Obama being elected? -Those same hands, if left empty, have been known to very easily pick said weapons back up and make the lives of anyone that can be associated with the lack of a handout process the direct victims.

America, you know not what you have done. This has so many far FAR-reaching implications globally that I don’t know where to begin.

Thanks for nothing.

Fuck this…We’re Leaving!!111!1

•June 3, 2008 • Leave a Comment

…Or rather we are jumping ship.  The Bar Slaves Blog has now officially moved to a new site.  The new url is http://thebarslaves.com IF YOU HAVE ANY LINKS TO THIS SITE, PLEASE UPDATE THEM TO THE NEW URL.  With that being said, feel free to stumble drunkenly over to the new site and check it out.  You can even register locally if you feel like it…though it really doesn’t do anything, you will feel like part of the crowd and we all know that is awesome. 

Secondly, I want to announce also the creation of the Official BarSlaves Forum: http://thebarslaves.com/SlavesForum EVERYONE NEEDS TO REGISTER THERE : ) Anyone who does not will be ridiculed as an outsider and hanged by the neck until dead…or something like that.


If you run into any problems with the new site, let me know by leaving a comment here, or just feel free to complain about how change is such a terrible thing and how much it scares you.

PS, if anyone is interested, here is a picture of the new Bar Slaves Server:


-Faltered Heaven 

…Meanwhile, back at the villan’s lair…

•June 2, 2008 • 6 Comments

Well the move to the new server is pretty much complete… But now I can’t log in so I thought I would participate in a little madness over here.

-Retard Monday Madness, that is.

Little Miss Piss Pants and the Asthmatic Dog

•May 31, 2008 • 6 Comments

Due to Falteredheaven requesting this story, I am obligated to post it.  It’s kind of like an unwritten rule of the Barslaves; besides, he posted that letter to Mr. Romney like I asked him to.  So, Falteredheaven, this one’s for you buddy!

Once upon a time in land called Barslaves Town, there was an ABC liquor store and a bar called Moody Mondays behind it.  The ABC store was frequented by barslaves of all ages, shapes, sizes, colors and genders, as well as people who thought they were barslaves but were really just posers.  Kind of like emo kids who try to turn into cowboys overnight.

Anyway, one day this lady lost her job and decided the best thing to do was to visit the ABC store and buy Vodka to make her reality more pallatable and forget that she ever had the damn job in the first place.  She decided it would be a good idea to take her asthmatic dog with her to the store (I don’t know why, just bear with me here).  After making her purchase of a pint of Aristocrat, the lady decided to drive along the side of the ABC store and cut through Moody Monday’s parking lot so she could take a side street and get out at a red light (traffic sucks over in that part of town).  As she pulled through the parking lot in her convertible there were several rednecks drinking horsepiss beer on the patio at Moody’s who began to whistle and catcall at her.  They invited her to come in for a drink.  She told them she had her dog with her, and could she bring her dog into the bar too.  One drunk redneck stated “You can bring your dog in here, and you can bring your pussy in here too!”  Being a woman who obviously has problems and needed attention, she parked her convertible and brought her asthmatic dog into the bar for some drinks.  Upon entering the bar, she was told she could not have the dog inside the bar but she sat down anyway because evidently rules do not apply to her.

As she sat at the bar drinking, she became increasingly obnoxious.  Fantasizing in her drunken stooper that she was a wealthy woman from Louisiana she handed a redneck some cash and said “I’m out of cigarettes.  Go across the street and get me a pack of Winston Reds.”, and the bastard did.  Then she went on to say later, “The problem with you southern men is that you don’t know how to do what your woman tells you to do.” 

At some point someone brought the little asthmatic dog a small bowl of water as he stood at the foot of her barstool and hacked and coughed and looked ugly.  A while later, a bald redneck said, “Lady, your dog done pissed in the floor.”  And then he realized, it wasn’t the dog.  Urine was running down her pants leg, over her shoes, and onto the floor where it gathered in an evergrowing puddle next to the little asthmatic dog, forcing him to look like the guilty party but the drunk rednecks knew better.

Fixing her eyes on the bald redneck, she began to hit on him.  “Hey sexy bald man; me and you’s bout to go to MY HOUSE!”

“No we ain’t lady.  I can’t go to your house.”

“Hey sexy bald man; me and you’s bout to go to MY HOUSE!”, she replied.  This exchange went on for several minutes until finally baldy said to her, “Lady I’m gay.”

“No your not!  I know a gay man when I see one!”, she said.

“Oh hell yes I am!  I’ll suck a dick in hearbeat!”, baldy said.

The patrons at Moody’s were ready for Little Miss Piss Pants to hit the road.  Someone told the bartender to cut her off.  This wasn’t going to fly with her.

“I’m a paying customer and nobody cuts me off until I’m ready to be cut off!  Now make me another drink!”  she insisted.

The bartender replied, “I’m making you one more for you to drink while the cab is on the way.”

After the cab took her home, the patrons all pitched in and cleaned up the piss, and disposed of the dogs water bowl.

Upon arriving at home, she couldn’t find her keys to get into the house, so right there on the front porch she took off her pants and panties and drank most of the Aristocrat that was in the pint she bought earlier and passed out.  Later her sister arrived home from work at the hospital and let her in the house.  A friend was called to help find the misplaced set of keys that included an ADT key fob, house and car keys, and other keys.  The parking lot of Moody’s was combed for the keys, and the sister made three trips to Moody’s that same night talking to patrons and bartenders about the behavior of her younger sister, and trying to locate the keys.  The cab company was contacted, but the keys to this day have never been found.

A friend had a connection at a tow company and got a good deal on a tow to the house for the convertible.  The regulars at Moody’s couldn’t stop talking about Little Miss Piss Pants and the dog with asthma.  Baldy redneck readily admitted that indeed he wasn’t gay, but didn’t want to go anywhere with Miss Piss, especially to her house.  As far as I know, everyone is still eating, drinking, and being merry at Moody’s; and the above story continues to thrive and flourish at Moody Monday’s pub.

And that is the story of Little Miss Piss Pants and the Asthmatic Dog.

Barslaves Do’s and Dont’s

•May 30, 2008 • 11 Comments

Many people would like to know just exactly, what a “Barslave” is.  The following are examples of what a Barslave is NOT supposed to be:

1.  If you are at a bar drinking and piss yourself and continue to drink and try to pick up a person of the opposite sex while pissing yourself.

2.  While at that bar, you have your dog with you, who has asthma no less, and continually hacks while you are there.

3.  If you say “Hey sexy Bald man; me and you’s bout to go to MY house!”, and he tells you that he is gay to get out of it.

4.  If you end up taking a cab home, can’t find your keys, and pass out buck naked from the waist down on your front porch while waiting for someone to come home from work and open the door.

5.  If three weeks later, you still haven’t found your keys which includes your ADT key fob, car and house keys, and numerous other irreplaceable keys.

6.  If your friend with benefits stops having sex with you because of this event.

7.  If your friend with benefits has to arrange for your car to be towed home because you lost the damn keys.

8.  If EVERYONE at the bar remembers you and your asthmatic dog and you pissing yourself three weeks after the event, and you are still the talk of the bar.

9.  If you read this post, realize I am talking about you even though your name isn’t mentioned here, and get pissed.

10.  If after all these events have taken place and you’ve read this post and still continue to drink vodka by the bottle.  You are disqualified to consider yourself a “Barslave” in our circle.


Now, I’m still not done.  There are some things that are okay in different circumstances.  See the list below.

1.  Passing out naked in your bathroom and your friends taking pictures of you, by suggestion of your parents.  (hey, at least you were at home, and your parents have seen you naked before anyway)

2.  Passing out naked on your sidewalk, front steps, front yard, and being covered up by fellow partygoers is okay as long as you provided all the booze, and your friends bring you in the house at some point and don’t leave you there until the sun comes up.  Pictures will be taken, that’s a given.

3.  Passing out on your front porch fully clothed and your friends build a fort out of boxes around you while you sleep, and cover you with a piece of brown packing paper for a blanket.  (See image below)

He was so sleepy....

4.  Passing out naked or clothed with a person of the opposite sex and not remembering if you slept with them or not.  (If they are attractive, you will have sex with them when you wake up sober anyway and it will be like the first time whether it was or not.)

5.  Hitting on someone of the opposite sex is okay as long as you haven’t pissed your pants already.

6.  If you do piss your pants, be coherent enough to change them.

7.  If you pass out and wet the bed, please do so only if you are alone in the bed.  Wet beds make for terrible morning after sex with that special someone next to you, especially if they are lying in a puddle.  The goal is to make her wet, not wet her.

8.  If you puke from drinking, please do so with dignity.  Do not puke on other partygoers, expensive imported rugs, or high end furniture.  If this happens, please call the party host the next day and offer reparations or clean up assistance.

9.  If you must pass out in a bathroom, make sure it is one that is not frequently used by other partygoers.  Some people need to “break the seal” to get the full alcohol effect.

10.  If you feel the immediate need to fornicate in the bathroom with someone, and you know DAMN WELL YOU ARE NOT A MINUTE MAN, PLEASE EXIT THE PARTY AND GET A ROOM.  Or if you like, have sex in the garage.  The convertible needs christening.

Disclaimer:  This list is subject to change with or without notice, anytime Mr. Diplomacy sees fit.  If you have questions regarding this list of “Barslaves Do’s and Don’ts”  please feel free to email Mr. Diplomacy with questions, comments, complaints or concerns.  Otherwise, drink freely, party harty, and fuck safely.

Bartender, pass the whiskey!

Amnesty International – the most effective international agency EVAR

•May 29, 2008 • 6 Comments

Wooo boy did I just find a whopper of a funny article this morning. Apparently Amnesty International, which is based out of the U.K., is still having a fit over the fact that every time they issue a decree (much like the U.N.) it is being largely ignored by the only people that could actually empower them… which this time around is us (the U.S.) and China. China is being derided for some fairly valid issues:

The report said China had continued shipping weapons to Sudan in defiance of a U.N. arms embargo and traded with abusive governments like Myanmar and Zimbabwe. It said that China’s media censorship remains in place and that the government continues to persecute rights activists.

Pretty bad shit, right? Guns to militant regimes, persecution of human rights activists.

The report also accused China of expanding its “re-education through labor” program, which allows the government to arrest people and sentence them to… manual labor without trial.

-Also with the forced labor camps.  Not a GOOD thing, but at least they are giving them a job, right?

So on to OUR violations, heinous as they may be…

The United States is shirking its duty to provide the world with moral leadership

This year it also criticized the U.S. for supporting Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf last November when he imposed a state of emergency.

As in the past, the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay came in for criticism. Irene Khan, Amnesty’s secretary-general, appealed for the American president elected in November to announce the jail’s closure on Dec. 10, 2008, the 60th anniversary of the Declaration of Human Rights.

Bad, BAAAAD U.S.A. We supported a leader that declared martial law after people within said country’s own borders had declared war on it. Naaaah, Musharraf, being a military guy, had NO IDEA what he was doing when he did this and we as a country that is not being the “moral compass” were just playing along with this… this… BULLY.

Wait… there is more? -A rebuttal? I can’t believe AP actually allowed this to be included in the article!

State Department spokesman Tom Casey said the U.S. remains at the forefront of promoting human rights and has made extensive efforts to transfer detainees from Guantanamo Bay to their home countries, having done so in several hundred cases already.

But more than 100 countries have refused to take back certain detainees, Casey said.

WHAT?!?!? Even when certain actions that we try to perform actually fall in line with this retarded agency’s wishes we can’t perform them due to the source country that we got the damned terrorists from not wanting take them back? I wonder why…

I just want to lay something out for agencies like this, to INCLUDE the U.N.

 We are the United States.

We are bigger than you and have the largest military in the fucking WORLD that will back up what we say.

No matter how loud you scream, no matter how much bullshit you say that you think we need to do “for our own good” we will only do so if some internal policy we have falls in line with something that you have stated. China and Russia are the same, although they have different approaches. Your little “agency” will never be able to hijack American policy because no matter who we elect, Dem, Repub, or Libertarian, they are directed by the AMERICAN people and will always do what they have to do to stay in office… and trust you me as a voting citizen, when I am eating roasted fetuses on toast in the morning (with a side of favah beans and a nice chianti) the LAST THING ON MY MIND is what the hell you think of me.

Hey, you get an award!

It’s the world-renowned “FUCK YOU WITH A BUICK” Award!!!!



Beep beep!

Bar Slaves in the News: Linkfest

•May 28, 2008 • 6 Comments

Why can’t our Conservative party be this damned cool? Nothing says patriotic like a movie titled “Young People F**king”, and the fact that Canadian conservatives want to see it. The only thing that this article is missing is guns and booze and it would be a perfect trifecta… of GOODNESS.

So where are the people complaining about the increase of food prices now and their negative effect on the rest of the planet? -Another win for capitalism AND the War on Terror. Very few people actually believe me when I state that the purest forms of capitalism and unlitigated market forces are the only way to pull some regions of the world permanently out of true poverty and warfare… and then you get articles like this that prove my point completely.

“Uh… My grandpappy liberated, uh, Auschwitz… YEAH! That’s it!” Obama makes a complete ass out of himself by trying to pander to the military and the jews and has an EPIC FAIL moment because from what I see he just went into bullshit overloadand his mouth couldn’t take it. Bud, if you are going to try to wrap yourself in a blanket woven from other people’s military service you might want to check the weave first before you talk about it.

 I LOVE Obama “FAIL” moments.

 You know, if Obama got Red to write speeches for him then he wouldn’t have this issue…

-And now for some motivation.

Also, hat tip to FARK photoshop contests. If you have never seen these, you are in for a treat. Here’s a sample…

-Absolute WIN. Why tell the rest of the world what Amahgarglechoad wants to do to Israel in long, wordy dialogues when you can tell it in an animated gif? I think it gets the point across nicely.