Bar Slave Way of Life(tm): Birthday Party MADNESS

Well dear friends, I do believe that the stateside Bar Slaves might have a little issue with posting this weekend due to a double-birthday party for Mr. Diplomacy and Faltered Heaven.

 I wish them well in their fact-finding mission on the true intoxication levels that a human can tolerate prior to falling asleep in the front yard of Bar Slaves HQ, and am officially lifting the post ban on me, Old Iron, for this weekend to allow for recovery time of all parties involved. You guys ahve fun, and the Motrin is in the cabinet next to the fridge.

Happy Birthday, bitches.

I also made you a cake. Hope you like it.

New Iraqi torture photos, and it involve TEH CILDRENSES!!!

Dan Rather here, back for one last televised newscast.

Friends, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings for our efforts in Iraq (DOOMED I TELL YA!!!!) but recently a friend of mine who has infiltrated one of the U.S. Military confinement camps in Iraq (BUHSITLER FOR OIL BABIES WILL DIIIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!1111ELEVENTY!!1!) and sends us these gruesome photographs for all eyes to see.

This makes genocide look like a summer picnic.

It makes mass hysteria look positively peachy.

Makes BUSH LOOK BAD EVIL EVIL MMMMOOOOAR!!!!

(Shut the fuck up Dean, you’re facemelting our chaces to bash Bush here!!!)

-AHEM-

Please, those faint of heart, please turn thine eyes from these horrid actions that we, the Americans under the JUNTA RULE OF BUSH, have performed on such innocents.

Dear Lord, what have we done?

____________________________________

(MAAAAD props to Grouchy Old Cripple for the source material. Get your asses over there and give him some traffic because GOD SAYS SO. I heard Him. He did. Honest.)

Satan Made Me Do It

                            

 

Now when you say the devil made me do it, you can actually show proof. 

 

 

                                                                          

Hey Faltered Heaven, I found a Baby Pic of Us

No wonder. Now I can blame the parents for my slow descent into what I have become.

Fun in Africa: He did it!!! -No, HE did it!!!

First, a little motivation to prep the palette:

-And now for a little observation. Apparently there was a pirate attack off of the coast of Nigeria recently that involved a large logistics shipment to an oil construction project. Now for those of you that are not “IN THE KNOW”, the International Maritime Bureau (IMB), basically the international regulatory body for all sea-going vessels, has recently declared that piracy in the waters off of the coast of this country are actualy worse than what goes on in Indonesia (it’s that bad), so an actual piracy event here is not something out of the norm.

The funny comes after a bit more background. Be a little patient for once! I’m trying to make a fucking point here!

More background: there is this large “militant” (which translated from fucking retard  means ”terrorist”) organization that calls itself “MEND” that operates out of the same area as this pirate attack occurred. If the name doesn’t ring a bell then you  might remember a little blurb in the news about a group of “political militants” (as per CNN-speak) that petitioned Jimmy Carter to come in and arbitrate one of their squabbles with the local government, in which Carter, who has knee pads and a cum dribble bib autographed by some of the worst terrorist groups operating on the face of the planet to date, actually said he would pass on this one. Memory not stimulated yet? They also were the people that said that they would “consider suspending militant pipeline attacks in response to the plea of presidential hopeful BARACK OBAMA.(LINK)” Hopefully that got you up to snuff.

So MEND came out with a press release yesterday saying …

“…those involved are criminals and they (MEND) do not support such criminal actions.”

Apparently the lines are getting a little blurry that used to devide the “militants” and the “criminals”, as the “criminals” are performing not only the same actions that the “militants” use to get their “political message across” but are also doing it under the same guise as the “militants”… and pulling a hefty profit in the meantime.

Another little nugget about MEND is their mission statement (as per Wikipedia):

“It must be clear that the Nigerian government cannot protect your workers or assets. Leave our land while you can or die in it…. Our aim is to totally destroy the capacity of the Nigerian government to export oil.”

 I would suggest that you read the entire article as it is well-written and extremely accurate about these monsters. It even discusses the tactics used, such as blowing up pipelines (one recently went up and took out an entire native village, people and all), kidnapping, and various other criminal acts that are performed under the guise of militant action for political reasons. The problem is there are some other groups around here that ALSO have guns and explosives and have caught wise to these same tactics… as well as having realized that these actions are some pretty profitable ventures. “Blowing up a pipeline” allows access to a sellable grade of petrol; kidnapping can be for ransom and NOT for political purposes, and piracy nets you a new boat and all of the cargo you can get rid of.

“Do as I say, not as I do” is in full ironic effect on this, but the difference in this and Mommy smoking a cigarrette and telling you that it is bad is that Mommy didn’t pass her message at the business end of a fully automatic weapon while extorting you for your paper route money. Mine did, but that is besides the point.

Fucking hypocrites.

Speaking of, the Nigerian Government has also said that they are going to enforce a national smoking ban in public places now.

BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I swear this place is like some twisted M. C. Escher fantasy land, circus freaks and all.

Submit to the WTF File / Advertising Abroad

Let me start off with the case in point today and let you draw some of your own conclusions first prior to me supplying you with my very own spinning slant on this accursed thing.

For your viewing pleasure…

This was submitted by a friend that is currently in Paris. I know, i should be asking her about the cars being torched by the local muslim youths, their president and his current proposal of increasing the work week from 36 to 40 hours a week, etc., but instead we talk about nice things like how Parisians shit in the street in broad daylight and how the place generally blows… but I digress. I am here today to talk to you about this absolute travesty of an ad for a drink called Orangina. This drink is obviously orange flavored (no shit! Really?) and according to my ability to creatively translate any language that I come across”… contains pulp”, or little chunks of vitamin C goodness floating around in it’s own juices. I actually had something like this when I was in the Mid East called “rain” that was quite good….

…BUT IT DIDN’T HAVE A PIC OF A MOSTLY NUDE MAN-BEAR WEARING A LEAF, A LA ADAM OF ADAM AND EVE FAME, LICKING IT’S LIPS, WINKING, WHILE HOLDING A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE OUT LIKE A SCHLONG AND SHITTING AN ICE CUBE. 

To add to that: he also looks like he is submerged in a pool of urine.

-And I bet the damned thing has rabies.

I really have no idea what message this thing is trying to get across. Is this the favored drink of fucking were-bears or something? I for one thought their favorite drinks consisted of deer’s blood and mulched babies, but according to this ad I am completely wrong. News flash to me is that bears even care about their citrus intake at all, seeing as how the scientific world has them listed as primarily CARNIVORES that occasionally suppliment their diets with roots and fungi, NOT ORANGES. How does he even open the damned thing without prehensile fingers?

Fucking French and their wierd fucking ads.

Now if the bear had boobies… that would be a REAL ad.

 

Ah, the Echoing Void of the Web Today

Nothing.

Nada.

Not even any good political stories to get my motor running.

Talk about fucking boring. I know what will cheer you up! How’s about a picture of a pig’s head on a stick!!!

Didn’t work? Dammit.

-Any ideas as to what the hell to do today?

O.k., BESIDES work.

 Never mind. Time do do some Bar Slaves research…

Exposing Racism 1: African Bees

Hey, JJ here, and I’m coming out of the shadows. No, I ain’t coming to steal your wallet, you racist motherfucker; I’m coming to educate you, because I’m an educated black man. Yes, you heard me right, an EDUCATED black man. The white man’s efforts to keep me stupid have not prevailed. So I have come to educate the rest of you.

That being said, I was watching television - I do like to watch it now and again when not reading philosophy - when I heard some motherfucker talk about African bees. Why do they call them African bees? Because people think that they kill everyone and no one wants them moving in next door.

Let’s look at this another way. Let’s look at how those supposed “African” bees act. They are considered territorial and aggressive. They get all pissy when anyone that doesn’t look like them comes by. They spread to other people’s countries and kill off the native bee population. African? Hell no, sounds a lot like the white man. They should be called white bees!

Keep your eyes and ears open, because I’ll be back to expose more racism.

JJ Jebus

Because Dress Blues get you LAID (Easier than Roofies)

Heh. Sounds like my boys are rocking the recruitment theatre with some serious recruitment numbers lately.

Marine Corps meets 142 percent of recruiting goal

By PAULINE JELINEK, Associated Press Writer

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Marine Corps far surpassed its recruiting goal last month and could eventually be more than a year ahead of schedule in its plan to grow the force to 202,000 members.

All military services met or exceeded their monthly recruiting goals in April, with the Marine Corps signing 142 percent of the number it was looking for, the Pentagon said.

….

“The Marine Corps, if they continue to achieve the kind of success they have had, could meet their growth figures more than a year early,” Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told Pentagon reporters. That would mean by around the end of 2009.

I have always said that there is just something about the uniform that you just can’t beat. I mean look at the USMC dress uniform, i.e. Panty Melter jacket:

…Versus the Air Force version:

 

Sorry guys, you loose out yet again in how cool your uniforms are to the Marine Corps, not to mention that you got owned even in recruiting. Don’t even get me started on the new PT uniforms that the navy just got issued.

Ask them.

Well guess what, FH?

No, really.

Oh, and Happy upcoming Birthday.  Hope you dig the steins.

Yep, it was neat, and I was bored

You may be Han Solo, Old Iron; but there is now evidence of what everyone once suspected: I AM THE JEDI VERSION OF SHAFT! you’re damn right you can dig it.

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

-Faltered Heaven-

Fun in Africa: What the hell do they feed those things, BABIES?!?!

And now a pic of me has been finally revealed on the web.

The Earth now trembles.

Fuck you, it was neat

Look, I thought it was fun.

And it proved that I am not Jedi material.

 
how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

More later.
(H/T Stashiu)

Hey Gus!!!!

God is, you little shit.

Happy Mother’s Day: Give the Gift of Planned Parenthood

So let me get this cleared up. Planned Parenthood wants me to give them money on behalf of my mother to celebrate the fact that I was a choice?

What, are you fucking people MAD?!?!? Give money to you to thank a process that could have made me not into a human but instead could have turned me into a biomedical waste product? Along this same line of thought i have scoured my sources to come up with a list of other causes that I can donate money to that just sounds like a brilliant idea:

Old Iron’s Top Seven Contradicting Groups to Donate To (With Linkage): 

1. Planned Parenthood: Yaaaay! Let’s celibrate the fact that you could be fertilizing the earth with your underdeveloped biomass!

2. Save Our Earth: Rainforests are dying! Use your aborted fetus to help grow more!

3. Communism!: ‘Cause nothin’ says “love your mom” like gifting her with food shortages and all the vodka she can drink!

4. Global Warming: Unsubstantiated fear-mongering always brings a family closer together

5. End of oil = End of TIMES: Let her take heart that those expensive gas prices are a precourser to her and all other’s eventual demise! What fun to know that the clock is ticking!

6. 2012 Awareness: Tell her to stock up on shotguns and canned goods, ’cause the Mayans are on spot!

7. Start a Militia: The best gift you can give is her own private army!

Here’s the damned article that started it all:

Planned Parenthood Says Best Mother’s Day Gift is Donation for Abortion

Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) — With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, Planned Parenthood, the nation’s largest abortion business, has a message for moms: send us more money. Cecile Richards, the president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, sent out a fund-raising request this week one pro-life advocate says is grotesque.

Richards honored Mother’s Day by sharing part of an editorial her daughter wrote saying she got her pro-abortion views from her mother and grandmother, former Texas Gov. Ann Richards.

“It’s true that I have had lots of rewarding moments in my career. So did my mother,” Cecile wrote in the email LifeNews.com obtained. “But knowing that my daughter is carrying on the legacy of fighting that my mother passed to me trumps ‘em all.”

Richard couldn’t wait until the third paragraph of her Mother’s Day letter to PPFA supporters to ask them to open their wallets.

“This Mother’s Day, I’m honoring that legacy with a Planned Parenthood Federation of America Mother’s Day gift. Join me,” she wrote.

“You can help with a gift to Planned Parenthood Federation of America today in honor of your mother or daughter, and on behalf of all the women,” she added.

“My mom did that for me and my siblings. And I’ve worked to do that for [my children],” she wrote.

In the email, Richards also admitted that promoting abortion was more important to her mother than even promoting equal rights for African-Americans.

(H/T Life News and Six Meat Buffet )

Everything is cooler when you slap “Suicide” before it

 I think that I’m spotting a trend here.

Tigers sink ship on polling day

Tamil Tiger rebels have sunk a naval cargo ship in eastern Sri Lanka, hours before voting got under way in important local elections.

The navy said a 65-metre (213-ft) ship was hit by an underwater blast caused by a suicide diver, though no other casualties were reported.

It gets even better. Apparently…

A rebel statement quoted by AFP news agency said “Sea Tiger underwater naval commandos” had attacked the ship just before dawn.

You gotta love terrorist groups that incorporate creativity and creative acronymns like the one for their marine group.

 ”S.T.U.N.C.”.

Would have been cooler if it was a BEAR though. I mean imagine it: putting suicide before something increases the terrorist cool factor, but putting BEAR in there as well would send it into the stratosphere.

Let me help you guys out. Below is my rendition of what one of these living weapons of terror and destruction would look like if the world could handle such AWESOMENESS:

Laugh if you will but you’ll think twice if someone had these in their arsenal.

Place things in the comments that you think would go better with either “Suicide”, “Bear”, or both in it’s name.

(NOTE: Guys, you got it from here. I had to get one more in before you took over.)

Burma allows cocaine shipment into Myanmar after verifying it was not relief aid.

 

 

 

Hmm, what would you do if the government you ran was in a country that was suddenly struck with a catastrophic event?  An event such as, I don’t know let’s say a tidal wave or tropical cyclone.   Here’s a thought, lets have the military seize all of the free food and medical supplies meant for the 10s of thousands of needy people it was meant for.  Everyone will get a kick out of that.  I don’t know how many times I’ve sat in my Grand Palace and looked down upon my subjects as they writhed around below scouring the scorched earth around them, climbing over the dead decaying bodies strewn about the wreckage for some semblance of anything they could possibly use for sustenance, and with a whimsical tear in my eye chuckled as they die of malaria and dysentery.  Silly little douchebags.

Fun in Africa: Hard Core GANGSTA

Word to your mother.

I know I do quite a few of these motivational posters, but DAMN are they funny.

Because one of my colleagues says that I am “Getting Soft”

Eat my ass, Rick.

I post one, count it ONE SERIOUS POST and don’t use one fucking curseword or porn analogy throughout the ENTIRE thing, and I get shit from my co-workers. I swear to God you can’t fucking please ANYONE these days…

Oh, and HEY RICK!!! Got a message for ya.

Conservative Views = HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

I can’t believe I am about to say this but I think MSNBC actually stumbled on something here. Apparently there was a study performed by two researchers from the New York University that I actually feel was done in a subjective manner (and not due to the fact that it comes out telling me that I am happier for my views. Oh no, I would NEVER use substantiated research to verify that my position in certain topics places me in an elitest class. Nope.):

 (Full article HERE)

Are conservatives happier than

liberals?

Right-wingers rationalize (or reason away) nation’s problems

By Jeanna Bryner

Individuals with conservative ideologies are happier than liberal-leaners, and new research pinpoints the reason: Conservatives rationalize social and economic inequalities.

Regardless of marital status, income or church attendance, right-wing individuals reported greater life satisfaction and well-being than left-wingers, the new study found. Conservatives also scored highest on measures of rationalization, which gauge a person’s tendency to justify, or explain away, inequalities.

The rationalization measure included statements such as: “It is not really that big a problem if some people have more of a chance in life than others,” and “This country would be better off if we worried less about how equal people are.”

To justify economic inequalities, a person could support the idea of meritocracy, in which people supposedly move up their economic status in society based on hard work and good performance. In that way, one’s social class attainment, whether upper, middle or lower, would be perceived as totally fair and justified.

If your beliefs don’t justify gaps in status, you could be left frustrated and disheartened, according to the researchers, Jaime Napier and John Jost of New York University. They conducted a U.S.-centric survey and a more internationally focused one to arrive at the findings.

“Our research suggests that inequality takes a greater psychological toll on liberals than on conservatives,” the researchers write in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science, “apparently because liberals lack ideological rationalizations that would help them frame inequality in a positive (or at least neutral) light.”

The results support and further explain a Pew Research Center survey from 2006, in which 47 percent of conservative Republicans in the U.S. described themselves as “very happy,” while only 28 percent of liberal Democrats indicated such cheer.

This article can be taken a few different ways, but it basically states that conservatives have a habit of not rationalizing things away into oblivion but putting them into a definable perspective that can be digested and, if the subject is one of a percieved inequality, it can be justified and / or presented as a potentially attainable goal.

If I have a problem with my current salary I don’t blame a glass ceiling or inherent racism in a specific industry as to what is holding me back, I look at factors such as the marketability of my knowledge and the upward mobility in my company. If I wanted this to change I don’t grab a placard and paint some witty slogan in preparation of a protest, I will begin looking within my industry but outside of said company for a potential increase in position / pay and market myself accordingly… with no blame placed on the shoulders of some ghostly “other” (be it a process or a body) for my immediate woes. Basically my view can be summed up by the old “If you see a wall” theory:

“If you see a wall in front of you, how many ways do you see forward?

-I see ways above, below, beside and beneath, if through is not an option.”

NOTE: Can anyone tell that I have been sober for two days? Is it that obvious?