All That is Needed to Be Known About the Bar Slaves
We are a group that was founded to initially drink ourselves into a complete stupor, but then one of us decided in our libatious haze that we needed to write down our drunken ramblings and anechdotal musings. Once the DTs were over from binging the night prior Old Iron set up a little bullshit free site on wordpress and proceeded to tell the other Bar Slaves about it. Mr. Diplomacy then said-
“THAT’S FUCKING COOL, MAN, FUCKING COOL!!!!!”
-And the rest is history.
Where the “Bananas” part comes from I’ll have to leave for later. Suffice it to say it wasn’t something one of us found in our asses one morning.
UPDATE: I’m moving the Bar Slave quotes directly to this page so that they don’t get lost in the archives.
Here you go people: common statements that are bantered around the Bar Slaves HQ.
“If I see that meowing motherfucker in there today I’ll slap him with a pancake. I’m just about drunk enough to do it!” by Mr. Diplomacy - about a retarded patron of a local resturaunt that meows at CNN while we try to nurse hangovers with greasy food.
“Just because I’m drinking a pink drink don’t mean I can’t fight, motherfucker!” by Mr. Diplomacy at a bar during an altercation with a dumbass.
“I don’t give a shit about starving kids in Africa! I give a shit about the starving kids in the US!” by Mr. Diplomacy to the above dumbass at the same bar altercation.
“I have a solution to the starving kids in Africa. Kill half of them and feed them to the other half. Problem solved.” by Falteredheaven on starvation in Africa.
“You seem like a person who likes to eat a lot of grease.” by Mr. Diplomacy to his ex-wife the day before they wed. They visited Universal Studios, LA when she ordered a large order of chili cheese fries and a chili cheese hotdog. Too much grease for Mr. D.
“Fucking cool man, fucking cool!” by Mr. Diplomacy on several occasions.
“I just got cockblocked via text message!” by Old Iron on Mr. Diplomacy joking around via text message.
“You’re an easy slut?! You’re just his type!” by Mr. Diplomacy to a woman in Florida via phone call with Old Iron while he was trying to get laid.
“One thing you should never say to a stripper is ‘I’ve seen better.’ “ by Falteredheaven on talking to strippers.
“Well, what the fuck man!!??” by Mr. Diplomacy on why you haven’t fucked your new girlfriend yet.
“…….And that’s when I smelled shit.” by Mr. Diplomacy on getting a sour lap dance.
“…….that’s cool man. I’m gonna take a Seroquel and drink some beer and hope I die. I’ll talk to ya later.” by Mr. Diplomacy on the phone one day to someone.
“…….well then WHY ARE YOU HERE?” by Mr. Diplomacy to his girlfriend when he found out she couldn’t spend the night.
“Your friend’s passed out naked in the bathroom. Take a picture and tell him this is what his mother saw!” by Old Iron’s dad at a Christmas party where Old Iron passed out naked.
“I’ll be the first to patronize you!!” by Mr. Diplomacy to a girl who wanted to sell overpriced “organic” soap to hippies.
“I’ll beat your God Damn Ass! How ’bout that shit?” by The Big Banana when he gets pissed. Also the refrain to a song that is currently under production at Bar Slaves Industries ™.
“It sure was nice meetin’ you fellas. You might want to take your boy to the hospital, he looks pretty fucked up.” by The Big Banana after a severe ass beating given by Captain Mexican took place in a mall parking lot. They were actually sober for that event.
“Take that bitch to the Econolodge!” by Captain Mexican on how to treat a pothead stupid-ass bitch.
“Sleep on the floor bitch! I paid for the room.” by Captain Mexican on a sour trip to Nashville, TN.
“I only say I love you because it gets me laid!” by Mr. Diplomacy on whores.
“I’ll be too busy shaking hands to know where I am.” by Old Iron on going to Hell.
“What the fuck are you talking about broad?” by Old Iron to a girl at a party who was an idiot. Usually followed by Old Iron bellowing “WOMAN!!!!”
“It’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean right? Well, it takes a long time to get to England in a fucking rowboat.” by Mr. Diplomacy on whether or not size matters.
“I had three of these fine ass black chicks grinding on my dick!” by Mr. Diplomacy on a night at the hip-hop club.
“Take the interstate. They can’t set up road blocks on the interstate!” by Old Iron on how to drive home drunk on St. Patricks Day.
“Gee officer, you look just like that guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.” by Mr. Diplomacy on why cops hate him.
“Oh, was there a speed limit sign back there? I guess I was going so fast I didn’t see it.” by Mr. Diplomacy TO a cop.
“Well drive to the store, buy a straw and SUCK IT THE FUCK UP!” by Mr. Diplomacy to a whiney asshole.
“If she’s dead that’s not my fucking problem. They shouldn’t have delivered that medicine to the wrong house.” by Mr. Diplomacy on Canadian healthcare.
“Oh look, it’s the MOR-OSE GUY! He’s so MOR-OSE!” by Old Iron to an emo kid at a party at the barslave headquarters.
“It’s my house. You can go cry at home if you don’t like it.” by Old Iron to above emo kid when told to leave him alone.
“It’s not my fault we couldn’t get her kid to bed on time.” by Falteredheaven on why he came home too late to catch UFC’s Ultimate Fighter.
“How about you just shut the fuck up when men are talking?” by EVERY SINGLE BARSLAVE AT SOME POINT
“Shut your whore mouth!” by Falteredheaven to Gus The Killer.
“I don’t care whether or not God exists. That’s God’s fucking problem. I still gotta go to work in the morning.” by Falteredheaven on God.
“Here’s a hashbrown, bitch.” by Captain Mexican to a girl on a sour trip to Nashville, TN.
“Bitch be hatin’.” by some little black kid in Walmart parking lot when his mom wouldn’t by him a Nintendo 64.
“It was like fucking a bag of mayonaise.” by Falteredheaven on a very bad sexual experience.
“The WalMart parking lot is the antithesis of all of Darwin’s theories.” by Falteredheaven on observing a WalMart parking lot.
“I challenge you to a pussy eating contest!” by Falteredheaven to a lesbian.
“You’re going down!” response to pussy eating challenge.
“Because I’m not your fucking MOMMY!” by Falteredheaven on Mr. Diplomacy asking him why he let him drink so much.
“I’m gonna shit on your bed and wipe my ass on your pillow.” by Gus The Killer when he doesn’t get his Grolsch or his walk.
“How about some chocolate pudding?” by Gus The Killer on why eating shit is good.
“If I could do that, I’d never have a reason to leave the house.” by Mr. Diplomacy on Gus licking his nuts. (When he had nuts, that is.)
“I’d hate to be 30 years old and divorced twice and have to explain how that happened and how come everything I own I’ve taken from men.” by Mr. Diplomacy on his ex-wife.
“Slip sliding down the fucking highway…” by Old School Carnage on impersonating a homosexual telemarketer from Boston, MA.
“It’s going to be like Tom Brady throwing a touchdown pass into your vagina!” by Old School Carnage on a prank call one drunken evening.
“Let me get up in them guts.” by Old School Carnage on a new pick up line.
“I like big asses!” by Old School Carnage on asses
“You have to say supple instead of big. Women like words like that.” by The Science Guy to OSC on how to talk about asses.
“Fine! I like big supple asses!” by Old School Carnage on womens big asses.
“Gargle my nuts.” by none other than Old Iron.
“I don’t like this bartender. He makes friends by giving them free drinks.” by Old Iron on a bartender who did the above.
“I’m trying to sure up good lava front property in Hell. By the time I get down there I’m gonna be a land baron, and have my own plantation; I’m gonna make Princess Diana my house slave.” by Falteredheaven during a discussion of the afterlife.
“Life is but a window, death is but a doorway, and who the fuck cares man?” by Captain Mexican to Old School Carnage on impersonating Mr. Will Sealy.
“I’m fucking sophisticated God Dammit!” by Falteredheaven on being called classless at 4:00 AM in a diner while drinking coffee and sobering up.
“Captain Mexico del ho! Ole!” by Captain Mexican on how to please a woman.
“Superman that doe!” by Old School Carnage on the Christmas deer having sex on the front porch.
“You’d better enjoy the comfort of the A/C now, because the gates of Hell ain’t gone be to pleasant.” by Mr. Diplomacy on a snob whose yacht temp wasn’t perfect.
“You’re like a monk that drinks and fucks.” by the drug-addict-ex-girlfriend of Falteredheaven on his lifestyle.
“Here’s some wood. Here’s some nails. Build a bridge and get the fuck over it!” by Falteredheaven talking to someone who’s complaining.
“What doesn’t kill me better run pretty damn fast.” by Falteredheaven on life in general.
“I’m gonna take some sleeping pills and never wake up.” by “nomerc” on Heath Ledger.
“Shut the fuck up. There’s a thin line between an old wise man and an old fuckup.” by Falteredheaven to an old drunk in a bar trying to give him bullshit advice.
“I’m not gonna take relationship advice from someone who’s been divorced three times.” by Falteredheaven to the same drunk fuckup.
“My name’s not Jesus. I’m not gonna come save you every time your boyfriend makes you mad.” by Old School Carnage to a slut.
“Cars are like women. If you treat them right, and pump them full of the right chemicals, they’ll never quit on you.” by Old School Carnage in a Dr. Phil-like attempt to give someone relationship adivce, while working on his car.
” What’cha doin’?” Common phone greeting amongst all of the Bar Slaves.
“Hey (insert name here), what do you dream about?” Uttered right before Captain Mexican has to tell the Bananas story (and thus the reasoning behind part of the name of this site) that NEVER CEASES TO BE FUCKING FUNNY EVER. I’ve heard the damned story about a brazillion times and laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME.
“Did you guys have sex on the couch? -No….” Common outright lie told by Old Iron right before Mr. Diplomacy sits right where Iron and his flavor of the week just had sex. Like, dead-center in the wet spot.
“Dude, tell your dog to PLEASE STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING!!! It’s just embarassing.” Old Iron in reference to Gus the Killer, pre-op.
“Oh fuck. Old Iron’s coming back from overseas when? Well there went my newly-regrown liver.” What I think these champions say prior to me getting back from some gawd-awful pit of tha world that I am working in. Hell, it’s what I would say if someone did to me what I do to them.