Barslaves Do’s and Dont’s
1. If you are at a bar drinking and piss yourself and continue to drink and try to pick up a person of the opposite sex while pissing yourself.
2. While at that bar, you have your dog with you, who has asthma no less, and continually hacks while you are there.
3. If you say “Hey sexy Bald man; me and you’s bout to go to MY house!”, and he tells you that he is gay to get out of it.
4. If you end up taking a cab home, can’t find your keys, and pass out buck naked from the waist down on your front porch while waiting for someone to come home from work and open the door.
5. If three weeks later, you still haven’t found your keys which includes your ADT key fob, car and house keys, and numerous other irreplaceable keys.
6. If your friend with benefits stops having sex with you because of this event.
7. If your friend with benefits has to arrange for your car to be towed home because you lost the damn keys.
8. If EVERYONE at the bar remembers you and your asthmatic dog and you pissing yourself three weeks after the event, and you are still the talk of the bar.
9. If you read this post, realize I am talking about you even though your name isn’t mentioned here, and get pissed.
10. If after all these events have taken place and you’ve read this post and still continue to drink vodka by the bottle. You are disqualified to consider yourself a “Barslave” in our circle.
Now, I’m still not done. There are some things that are okay in different circumstances. See the list below.
1. Passing out naked in your bathroom and your friends taking pictures of you, by suggestion of your parents. (hey, at least you were at home, and your parents have seen you naked before anyway)
2. Passing out naked on your sidewalk, front steps, front yard, and being covered up by fellow partygoers is okay as long as you provided all the booze, and your friends bring you in the house at some point and don’t leave you there until the sun comes up. Pictures will be taken, that’s a given.
3. Passing out on your front porch fully clothed and your friends build a fort out of boxes around you while you sleep, and cover you with a piece of brown packing paper for a blanket. (See image below)
4. Passing out naked or clothed with a person of the opposite sex and not remembering if you slept with them or not. (If they are attractive, you will have sex with them when you wake up sober anyway and it will be like the first time whether it was or not.)
5. Hitting on someone of the opposite sex is okay as long as you haven’t pissed your pants already.
6. If you do piss your pants, be coherent enough to change them.
7. If you pass out and wet the bed, please do so only if you are alone in the bed. Wet beds make for terrible morning after sex with that special someone next to you, especially if they are lying in a puddle. The goal is to make her wet, not wet her.
8. If you puke from drinking, please do so with dignity. Do not puke on other partygoers, expensive imported rugs, or high end furniture. If this happens, please call the party host the next day and offer reparations or clean up assistance.
9. If you must pass out in a bathroom, make sure it is one that is not frequently used by other partygoers. Some people need to “break the seal” to get the full alcohol effect.
10. If you feel the immediate need to fornicate in the bathroom with someone, and you know DAMN WELL YOU ARE NOT A MINUTE MAN, PLEASE EXIT THE PARTY AND GET A ROOM. Or if you like, have sex in the garage. The convertible needs christening.
Disclaimer: This list is subject to change with or without notice, anytime Mr. Diplomacy sees fit. If you have questions regarding this list of “Barslaves Do’s and Don’ts” please feel free to email Mr. Diplomacy with questions, comments, complaints or concerns. Otherwise, drink freely, party harty, and fuck safely.
Bartender, pass the whiskey!