It’s NOT Animal Abuse! It’s Love.

One day, once upon a time not so long ago, I had my dog put to sleep and his nuts whacked off with some kind of butcher knife.  Ever since then he’s walked around like he don’t know where to sleep next.  Hey, I know what you’re thinking:  That’s cruel.  Nah.  I let him get some pussy one time before I had him clipped.  That way he can try to get a hard on and remember what he’s missing.  I wonder if dogs can fantasize.

Gus doesn’t have to fantasize too much.  All he has to do is wait on a party night.  Then, in some unsuspecting couples one-night-stand-drunken-stooper, he can follow said person into the chosen bedroom and watch two inebriated humans fuck like he used to.  Hell, sometimes he even gets a front row seat, yep, right on the bed beside the unsuspecting couple!  I don’t know how lucky a dog considers himself to be while watching drunk people fuck missionary and doggy-style, and then puke all over a bedspread before cumming and passing out.  If Gus ever learns to speak English, I’ll ask.

Old Iron gets pissed when Gus shits on the Egyptian Cotton rug that his ridiculously expensive drum set is on.  Therefore, Old Iron gets his chuckles by buying Gus stupidly gay costumes and throwing him through glass doors.  Gus is never hurt by this.  Far from it.  He enjoys the ride of his paws sliding on the hardwood floors from the back hall, thru the living room, and the abrupt stop followed by the resonating thud he makes as he flies out the front door and onto the porch.  He always smiles so graciously, and comes back for more…and more…and more.  Gus is a smart dog, just not very bright.

Gus, like most dogs, thinks with his stomach.  He can’t think with his member anymore (see first paragraph).  Anyway, my other friend, Falteredheaven, who will likely comment on this blog, enjoys taunting Gus and breaking food on his face.  Gus has a bit of a flat face, as he is part Pekengese and part Shih-Tzu.  I call him a “pick-a-shit”.  He is offended by this, but no one here gives a damn.  As I was saying, Falteredheaven likes to eat in front of Gus.  Gus likes to watch and sit at his feet looking as handsome and innocent as possible in hopes that he might receive a morsel or crumb by Falteredheaven’s hand.  Gus tends to get more than he bargains for as I have seen Club crackers, Doritos, Lay’s Potato Chips, french fries, burgers, sandwich meat, and all other manner of food broken, or attempted to be broken over Gus’s flat face.  It is quite humorous.  Damn stupid dog just keeps coming back for more.

As you can see, we love Gus.  He is my dog, and as a respectable dog owner who loves his pet, I see to it that he has only the best.  He eats a quality, balanced meal daily, gets two walks per day, plenty of excersise and love, and only drinks the highest quality imported beer and liquor that money can buy.  He has plenty of toys, and let’s not forget, the Wonderwoman costume that he so despises.

Eat your heart out PETA.

UPDATE (Old Iron): Found a picture of Gus having fun in the snow with me. We had so much fun that day, just he and I.

WEEEE!!!!!!

~ by mrdiplomacy on March 29, 2008.