It’s like watching a bird shit on a hobo

Just a quick post and a COMPLETELY TASTELESS link.

I.

Could.

Not.

STOP.

LAUGHING.

Warning: this site is not for the feint of heart and DEFINITELY has NSFW language. To call the humor on this site “low brow” would be raising it to a much higher bar than it should ever reach. Basically it’s like an ad agency went to a Tourette’s Syndrome clinic and asked the patients there to help them hit their specific demographic, AND WROTE EVERYTHING DOWN.

I ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU CLICKING ON THIS LINK.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

(I can’t believe I am posting this…)

To make it all better I made you a picture of smiley happy flowers.

Please forgive me.

Hillary Clinton - Shit-Splatteringly PEACHY

I was over at Bama Pachyderm’s Place today and found a nice little link that lets you send a letter to H. Clinton a al Mad Libs style. Below is my submission:

Dear Hillary,

I hope you are shit splatteringly peachy. I just wanted to tell you that I think Captain James T. Kirk would be a explosive colonoscopy machine operator. At this point, we need explosive diarrea in Bar Slaves HQ. When this vomitorium meetings started, I was very lucid, but now I’m bewildered. My shiny wish is for you to excommunicate. I will eviscerate Captain James T. Kirk a cock rocket.

Sincerely,
Old Iron

Click here to try it on for size. It’s hella funny and I have no doubt as to the creativity of the people that frequent this site.

Wait, yes I do. Here’s a suggestion; just use terms for taking a dump in all of the fields and you should be alright.

 

Just ’cause you coif a couple of pints like you hork the penis (or vag, I’m not picky) doesn’t make you cool in any way, much less allow me to believe that you are living the Bar Slave Way of Life(tm).

Just stop.

you are embarassing yourself.

Bar Slave Way of Life(tm): Birthday Party MADNESS

Well dear friends, I do believe that the stateside Bar Slaves might have a little issue with posting this weekend due to a double-birthday party for Mr. Diplomacy and Faltered Heaven.

 I wish them well in their fact-finding mission on the true intoxication levels that a human can tolerate prior to falling asleep in the front yard of Bar Slaves HQ, and am officially lifting the post ban on me, Old Iron, for this weekend to allow for recovery time of all parties involved. You guys ahve fun, and the Motrin is in the cabinet next to the fridge.

Happy Birthday, bitches.

I also made you a cake. Hope you like it.

New Iraqi torture photos, and it involve TEH CILDRENSES!!!

Dan Rather here, back for one last televised newscast.

Friends, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings for our efforts in Iraq (DOOMED I TELL YA!!!!) but recently a friend of mine who has infiltrated one of the U.S. Military confinement camps in Iraq (BUHSITLER FOR OIL BABIES WILL DIIIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!1111ELEVENTY!!1!) and sends us these gruesome photographs for all eyes to see.

This makes genocide look like a summer picnic.

It makes mass hysteria look positively peachy.

Makes BUSH LOOK BAD EVIL EVIL MMMMOOOOAR!!!!

(Shut the fuck up Dean, you’re facemelting our chaces to bash Bush here!!!)

-AHEM-

Please, those faint of heart, please turn thine eyes from these horrid actions that we, the Americans under the JUNTA RULE OF BUSH, have performed on such innocents.

Dear Lord, what have we done?

____________________________________

(MAAAAD props to Grouchy Old Cripple for the source material. Get your asses over there and give him some traffic because GOD SAYS SO. I heard Him. He did. Honest.)

Satan Made Me Do It

                            

 

Now when you say the devil made me do it, you can actually show proof. 

 

 

                                                                          

Hey Faltered Heaven, I found a Baby Pic of Us

No wonder. Now I can blame the parents for my slow descent into what I have become.

Fun in Africa: He did it!!! -No, HE did it!!!

First, a little motivation to prep the palette:

-And now for a little observation. Apparently there was a pirate attack off of the coast of Nigeria recently that involved a large logistics shipment to an oil construction project. Now for those of you that are not “IN THE KNOW”, the International Maritime Bureau (IMB), basically the international regulatory body for all sea-going vessels, has recently declared that piracy in the waters off of the coast of this country are actualy worse than what goes on in Indonesia (it’s that bad), so an actual piracy event here is not something out of the norm.

The funny comes after a bit more background. Be a little patient for once! I’m trying to make a fucking point here!

More background: there is this large “militant” (which translated from fucking retard  means ”terrorist”) organization that calls itself “MEND” that operates out of the same area as this pirate attack occurred. If the name doesn’t ring a bell then you  might remember a little blurb in the news about a group of “political militants” (as per CNN-speak) that petitioned Jimmy Carter to come in and arbitrate one of their squabbles with the local government, in which Carter, who has knee pads and a cum dribble bib autographed by some of the worst terrorist groups operating on the face of the planet to date, actually said he would pass on this one. Memory not stimulated yet? They also were the people that said that they would “consider suspending militant pipeline attacks in response to the plea of presidential hopeful BARACK OBAMA.(LINK)” Hopefully that got you up to snuff.

So MEND came out with a press release yesterday saying …

“…those involved are criminals and they (MEND) do not support such criminal actions.”

Apparently the lines are getting a little blurry that used to devide the “militants” and the “criminals”, as the “criminals” are performing not only the same actions that the “militants” use to get their “political message across” but are also doing it under the same guise as the “militants”… and pulling a hefty profit in the meantime.

Another little nugget about MEND is their mission statement (as per Wikipedia):

“It must be clear that the Nigerian government cannot protect your workers or assets. Leave our land while you can or die in it…. Our aim is to totally destroy the capacity of the Nigerian government to export oil.”

 I would suggest that you read the entire article as it is well-written and extremely accurate about these monsters. It even discusses the tactics used, such as blowing up pipelines (one recently went up and took out an entire native village, people and all), kidnapping, and various other criminal acts that are performed under the guise of militant action for political reasons. The problem is there are some other groups around here that ALSO have guns and explosives and have caught wise to these same tactics… as well as having realized that these actions are some pretty profitable ventures. “Blowing up a pipeline” allows access to a sellable grade of petrol; kidnapping can be for ransom and NOT for political purposes, and piracy nets you a new boat and all of the cargo you can get rid of.

“Do as I say, not as I do” is in full ironic effect on this, but the difference in this and Mommy smoking a cigarrette and telling you that it is bad is that Mommy didn’t pass her message at the business end of a fully automatic weapon while extorting you for your paper route money. Mine did, but that is besides the point.

Fucking hypocrites.

Speaking of, the Nigerian Government has also said that they are going to enforce a national smoking ban in public places now.

BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I swear this place is like some twisted M. C. Escher fantasy land, circus freaks and all.

Submit to the WTF File / Advertising Abroad

Let me start off with the case in point today and let you draw some of your own conclusions first prior to me supplying you with my very own spinning slant on this accursed thing.

For your viewing pleasure…

This was submitted by a friend that is currently in Paris. I know, i should be asking her about the cars being torched by the local muslim youths, their president and his current proposal of increasing the work week from 36 to 40 hours a week, etc., but instead we talk about nice things like how Parisians shit in the street in broad daylight and how the place generally blows… but I digress. I am here today to talk to you about this absolute travesty of an ad for a drink called Orangina. This drink is obviously orange flavored (no shit! Really?) and according to my ability to creatively translate any language that I come across”… contains pulp”, or little chunks of vitamin C goodness floating around in it’s own juices. I actually had something like this when I was in the Mid East called “rain” that was quite good….

…BUT IT DIDN’T HAVE A PIC OF A MOSTLY NUDE MAN-BEAR WEARING A LEAF, A LA ADAM OF ADAM AND EVE FAME, LICKING IT’S LIPS, WINKING, WHILE HOLDING A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE OUT LIKE A SCHLONG AND SHITTING AN ICE CUBE. 

To add to that: he also looks like he is submerged in a pool of urine.

-And I bet the damned thing has rabies.

I really have no idea what message this thing is trying to get across. Is this the favored drink of fucking were-bears or something? I for one thought their favorite drinks consisted of deer’s blood and mulched babies, but according to this ad I am completely wrong. News flash to me is that bears even care about their citrus intake at all, seeing as how the scientific world has them listed as primarily CARNIVORES that occasionally suppliment their diets with roots and fungi, NOT ORANGES. How does he even open the damned thing without prehensile fingers?

Fucking French and their wierd fucking ads.

Now if the bear had boobies… that would be a REAL ad.

 

Bar Slaves Way of Live(tm) - LinkFest Bonanza!

CNN apparently has figured out that sometimes guys just want to get the hell away from everyone, drink beer and build shit. Go figure.

The things we do for you people. You know that there is actually a recipe for Polar Bear? Sounds like it would be REALLY tasty with a side of 3-toed sloth soup.

Note to self, though: apparently you can’t kill one unless you do the South Park “Oh hell, he’s COMIN’ RIGHT FOR US!!!” -scenario. Just a tip for all of you would-be polar bear connoisseurs.

Even your video games think so, so shut up FATTY!!!! -Ah, youthful psychological trauma at it’s finest.

Soon to be arriving at all Bar Slave housholds everywhere: some of the coolest booze gadgets to date.

Protesters are “… a bunch of losers.” Heh.

Politics - This is why I call myself a Conservative and NOT a Republican. “”re-brand” the party in the likeness of McCain”? -If that happens the conservative aspects of the Republican party are out the window. (Thanks DPUD)

Now I’m going to go grab another beer and sit on the swing out front if you need me.

Ah, the Echoing Void of the Web Today

Nothing.

Nada.

Not even any good political stories to get my motor running.

Talk about fucking boring. I know what will cheer you up! How’s about a picture of a pig’s head on a stick!!!

Didn’t work? Dammit.

-Any ideas as to what the hell to do today?

O.k., BESIDES work.

 Never mind. Time do do some Bar Slaves research…

This Man Just Became An Honorary Bar Slave

An Australian motorist has been fined for putting a seatbelt around a case of beer instead of a five-year-old passenger.

Police who pulled over the man’s car on the Ross highway, near the outback town of Alice Springs, found the child sitting unrestrained in the back of the vehicle

.The full article can be read here: Driver buckles up beer, not child

Bar Slaves Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Prefer Mexican Food Over Mexicans

Americans overwhelmingly prefer Mexican Food over actual Mexicans, at least according to a nationwide poll conducted over the last week.  During the poll, ten thousand random people where asked whether they would prefer that Mexicans move to their town or a Mexican restaurant.  An amazing 92% said that they would prefer the Mexican restaurant.

Strikingly, and even higher percentage of people, 98%, said that they would prefer to live next door to a Mexican restaurant rather than Mexicans.  When asked to explain his answer, one person who was polled said, “at any given time, there is most likely less people at a Mexican restaurant than at a Mexican household.  I just wouldn’t be able to deal with the crowds.”

More polls to come.

Exposing Racism 1: African Bees

Hey, JJ here, and I’m coming out of the shadows. No, I ain’t coming to steal your wallet, you racist motherfucker; I’m coming to educate you, because I’m an educated black man. Yes, you heard me right, an EDUCATED black man. The white man’s efforts to keep me stupid have not prevailed. So I have come to educate the rest of you.

That being said, I was watching television - I do like to watch it now and again when not reading philosophy - when I heard some motherfucker talk about African bees. Why do they call them African bees? Because people think that they kill everyone and no one wants them moving in next door.

Let’s look at this another way. Let’s look at how those supposed “African” bees act. They are considered territorial and aggressive. They get all pissy when anyone that doesn’t look like them comes by. They spread to other people’s countries and kill off the native bee population. African? Hell no, sounds a lot like the white man. They should be called white bees!

Keep your eyes and ears open, because I’ll be back to expose more racism.

JJ Jebus

Because Dress Blues get you LAID (Easier than Roofies)

Heh. Sounds like my boys are rocking the recruitment theatre with some serious recruitment numbers lately.

Marine Corps meets 142 percent of recruiting goal

By PAULINE JELINEK, Associated Press Writer

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Marine Corps far surpassed its recruiting goal last month and could eventually be more than a year ahead of schedule in its plan to grow the force to 202,000 members.

All military services met or exceeded their monthly recruiting goals in April, with the Marine Corps signing 142 percent of the number it was looking for, the Pentagon said.

….

“The Marine Corps, if they continue to achieve the kind of success they have had, could meet their growth figures more than a year early,” Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told Pentagon reporters. That would mean by around the end of 2009.

I have always said that there is just something about the uniform that you just can’t beat. I mean look at the USMC dress uniform, i.e. Panty Melter jacket:

…Versus the Air Force version:

 

Sorry guys, you loose out yet again in how cool your uniforms are to the Marine Corps, not to mention that you got owned even in recruiting. Don’t even get me started on the new PT uniforms that the navy just got issued.

Ask them.

Well guess what, FH?

No, really.

Oh, and Happy upcoming Birthday.  Hope you dig the steins.

Yep, it was neat, and I was bored

You may be Han Solo, Old Iron; but there is now evidence of what everyone once suspected: I AM THE JEDI VERSION OF SHAFT! you’re damn right you can dig it.

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

-Faltered Heaven-

Esta la Retardo GRANDE!!!! MUCH MUCHO!!!

Zounds! It doth be Retarded Monday again!!!!

(Retarded for taking the pic and sending it to her parents. I see it as a qualifier.)

Fun in Africa: What the hell do they feed those things, BABIES?!?!

And now a pic of me has been finally revealed on the web.

The Earth now trembles.

Fuck you, it was neat

Look, I thought it was fun.

And it proved that I am not Jedi material.

 
how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

More later.
(H/T Stashiu)

Hey Gus!!!!

God is, you little shit.